


Where You Don't Belong

by gretawhy



Category: NSYNC
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-13
Updated: 2017-04-13
Packaged: 2018-10-18 06:11:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10610919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gretawhy/pseuds/gretawhy
Summary: You spend a lot of time sitting in the dark lately. Mostly watching old footage, wondering what you could have done, if there was something you could have said to stop the train that derailed. It didn't end badly, and most days you wish it did.*NSYNC ends, Chris doesn't know what to do.





	

You spend a lot of time sitting in the dark lately. Mostly watching old footage, wondering what you could have done, if there was something you could have said to stop the train that derailed. It didn't end badly, and most days you wish it did.

You wish you ended on a bad note, screaming and yelling and wishing you never had to see each other again. You wish you yelled at Justin that you wanted his solo career to bomb, that Lance wouldn't go to space because you didn't want him to live his real dream. But you didn't. You just played your last show, took your last bow and went on your way.

And it wasn't like you didn't see each other. That first week or two after the tour, you were all still in nsync mode. You called each other, hung out with each other and basically couldn't get enough of each other.

But eventually Justin was called into the studio, dragging JC with him to produce, Lance was called to Russia for more tests and Joey was called home, to New York, with orders to take that "granddaughter we never see" home with him.

And you? You were left in Orlando in your huge house with nothing to do but to think about what once was. You weren't needed at Fu Man, so it would be a waste to fly to LA to check up on it, you weren't needed in the studio with Justin because your songs aren't the kind of songs he was going to record. You sure as hell couldn't help Lance in Russia, and as much as the Fatone's were your second family you didn't really want to go to New York and be a third wheel.

So where were you? At home. In the dark. With memories you would give anything to relive.

*****

You get a phone call from Lance one day, and your heart aches at his voice. You miss him. You miss all of them, but you'll never say that. You listen as he goes into great, boring detail about what's happening to him in Russia, and you don't allow yourself to think about the day that you'll board the plane that's going to take you to Russia to watch one of your best friends leave the planet.

You laugh at his broken Russian, and spin tales of drunken adventure. You're pretty sure he knows you're making them up, but God love Lance, he'll never tell.

You keep him on the phone as long as you can without seeming pathetic but he eventually has to go, saying, "miss you, man," before hanging up, regressing your meager progress towards actually leaving your house.

*****

Joey shows up at your house one day and takes you to lunch. With Joey, you can almost pretend it's like old times. You laugh and talk about "that one time" and "remember when Justin did that?" and it's almost like you're going to see the rest of the guys the next day.

Except you don't.

Joey tells you that Kelly is scheduled for minor surgery the week he's supposed to be in Connecticut hosting a concert, and asks you a huge favor. You say yes to going in his place without thinking about it, because, really, you have nothing better to do.

Plus, you'll have a chance to hang with JC, so you figure it won't be all bad.

*****

Jive decides you and JC make a good pair, so they send you to Texas to play baseball and then to Europe to promote "Girlfriend." You like hanging with JC, and while you're out there chasing fly balls and doing radio interviews you don't have a chance to think.

You catch up with Lance in Russia and his face lights up and he wraps the two of you in bear hugs and you have a fleeting thought that you've seen each of them now since the break.

Except the one that really matters.

*****

You don't know when you fell in love with Justin, but you're pretty sure it was near the beginning. He was all arms and legs and blonde hair and bright smile and ambition, and you know he's what has kept you young all those years. He worshipped you, looked up to you, always glanced at you before he made any kind of important decision, just to see how you would react.

He became the younger brother you always wanted and never had. You tried to pull away from him when you realized what you were feeling was not what one should feel for his brother.

You wanted to talk to someone, so you went to Lance. Because even though Lance was only two years older than Justin, Lance was someone who would understand. Lance was mature in a lot of the ways you weren't and the two of you balanced each other out.

But Lance just looked at you, a flash of something you couldn't read in his eyes, and you turned away, realizing that the reaction Lance gave was the one most people would have.

Because this was Justin. Justin Timberlake. Justin Timberlake, Future Prince of Pop. Justin who was too young for you. Or was it that you were too old for him? And Justin was the helm of what people hoped was the greatest vocal group this decade had ever seen.

He wasn't going to love you. He was going to fall in love with the Princess of the land and live happily ever after in the kingdom.

He knew, of course. You could never keep anything from Justin. Of course, the drunken make out session the two of you had after the record breaking first day sales of _No Strings Attached_ might have given him a clue.

You think maybe you were some kind of experiment for Justin. You don't think Justin realized what he was doing, how he was tearing you up inside. You think that he really was curious, and he knew he could trust you. You would never hurt him, you would never turn on him and you would never judge him for trying to find out who he really was.

Turned out, he really wasn't ready to be who he really was.

You're not sure if it was Justin or Jive that wanted Britney around more. You think it was a bit of both. Jive knew the two of you were close, they weren't aware of how close, exactly, but you're sure they had their suspicions. And the seeds of the rumors of Justin and Britney were planted long before they were true, so it made perfect sense.

It didn't, however, make perfect sense for you to be in love with someone who would never love you back.

You think that Justin may be a little more calculating than anyone gives him credit for. You think that Justin knew exactly what having Britney around would do for his perfect pop star image and he took it and ran. He knew people would ask questions, giving him a chance to play the blushing boyfriend. He knew people would talk, and what better way to get some free publicity than to flaunt your hot girlfriend in public?

He did love her, though. You knew that. You just wondered if he loved her because of her or because of what she did for his image.

*****

You know you were hard on Justin when it came to Britney and his image, but Christ, you had to be hard on him for something.

He was so perfect. He was the child prodigy. He was the one who succeeded at everything. He never did anything wrong.

He was your rock during the lawsuit, and the irony of the situation wasn't lost on either of you. You were the one he would turn to in Germany when things got tough. You were the older one, the wiser one, the one who had all the answers.

But you didn't have the answers this time. You couldn't tell him - or the other guys, for that matter - why Lou would do this to you. You could just sit and stare at the fine print in the contracts you missed when you signed on the dotted line. You couldn't do anything, letting the others find their strength in the moments they were weakest, most vulnerable, and you sat and watched.

You watched Lance and Joey pore over contracts, speak with lawyers and find the best representation for the five of you. You watched JC draft a perfectly worded statement, letting the world know what Lou did to you. And you watched Justin find the strength to pull not only himself, but his best friend through this storm.

He was the strongest person you knew.

*****

His solo album launched to rave reviews a week before Lance was launched into space.

You wondered if he would find time in his busy schedule to go to Russia with the three of you and see Lance off, but you should have known he would. For all the bad things you tell yourself about Justin, you know that none of them are really true. You know that he wouldn't miss seeing Lance for anything in the world and Justin was smart enough to know how to play people and convince them that MTV Europe could stand a visit from Justin Timberlake in October.

You waited at the airport for him nervously. JC was asleep and Joey was kissing his daughter goodbye. You were the only one who was on edge because Justin was due to arrive any minute.

This would be the first time you've seen him in two months.

He entered the VIP room, Britney at his side, cell phone at his ear, bodyguards at his heels. Sunglasses were covering his eyes, but you knew the second he saw you. A wide grin split his face and he clicked shut the phone, taking off his sunglasses and running to where you stood, wrapping you in a huge hug.

"Chris, man!" He grinned, "I missed you!"

And you hate yourself for laughing with him. You want to tell him that if he missed you that much, he could have called, but you don't. You say, "I missed you, too, J," and hug him back, noticing the weight he's lost since the last time you hugged.

He pulls away and greets Joey and JC with his version of a handshake and you watch him move to Brianna, kissing her head and brushing her black curls off her forehead. He says something to Britney, something you don't hear, or don't want to hear, because you're pretty sure it's about their rosy perfect future with their two point five kids.

When he pulls her to his side and kisses her deeply before boarding the plane, you wish, not for the first time, that you had someone to rub in his face.

Not that he'd care, but it might make you feel a little better.

*****

You talk to Justin on the long flight, catching up on the past two months. He accuses you of not calling and you point out that he's been busy the past two months, what with his big solo career and all. He touches your hand and softy says he's sorry and you forgive him.

You're putty in his hands and he knows it.

*****

Lance finds you on the balcony of his small apartment nursing a beer. You're freezing your ass off and you're pretty sure that's the reason Lance came outside. He throws a jacket over your shoulders and says, "You know that he's never going to change, right?"

You glance sharply at him and he's not looking at you, but up into space, as if he can't believe he's actually going to go into that blackness.

"What are you talking about, Bass?" you demand, even though the both of you know exactly what he's talking about.

Lance pulls his eyes away from the heavens and looks at you sadly. "Justin," he says. "He's never going to change," he repeats, his voice soft and almost wistful.

You shake your head, "I'm so over him, Lance."

Lance watches you and stays silent for so long, even you get skittish under his gaze. You, who could stare at someone for an hour just to make them uncomfortable. You, who plays this game too much to now wonder what the hell Lance has going on in his head.

"What the fuck, Lance?" you say. "Stop staring at me!"

Lance sighs and rests his hand on your arm. "Joey told me you don't leave your house a lot." He doesn't wait for you to answer, just keeps talking, "I don't know why you don't go out, but I'm pretty sure you're waiting for something you'll never have."

You narrow your eyes at him, "And what the hell do you know about that, Lance?" You motion to the sky, "The longest you've had to wait was until the end of a tour! I've been waiting six years, Lance. And even if I wanted to stop, I wouldn't know where to begin."

Lance bites his lip and regards you coolly. "You think you're so smart, Chris. You think you have all of us figured out." He leans close to you, "Well you don't."

Without another word, he turns and goes back to his party.

*****

Fuck him, you think. Fuck him and his pretentious ways. He has no fucking clue what you're going through. He's never been in love. That thing with JC was just that - a thing. He's never known what it was like to be so hopelessly in love with someone that it hurts to know that person is standing right next to you but yet on the other side of the world.

*****

You had grand delusions about *nsync not being over. This was your baby. This was your project. This was what you were using to make sure you were never ever going to be the kid from the wrong side of the tracks ever again.

You told anyone who would listen that Lance in space meant nothing, that Justin's solo album, no matter how successful, would not mean that he wouldn't come back. *Nsync was everyone's first priority and nothing was going to change that.

Maybe you should have given Justin that memo.

*****

He told you the second week of December. You and JC and Joey sat in Johnny's office, on the far side of the table from Justin, the table the ocean that separated you from him. And he took a deep breath, exchanged a look with Johnny and blurted it out.

His solo album was so successful that he was going to tour to support it rather than working on the next *nsync album that winter.

You know your mouth dropped open. You looked over at JC, who was nodding; he must have known it was coming. Knowing JC, he was probably holed up in the studio for some artist and overheard a conversation.

You looked at Joey, who was sitting on your other side. He was nodding as well, but not quite as sure as JC. He must be surprised, you think, but he must have seen it coming.

How did you not see this coming?

Justin was rambling on, talking about how he wanted you guys to tour with him, keep him company on the road. He was talking about how maybe JC could help out in the sound booth, because "Tim was awesome, but I know how much of a perfectionist you are, and you won't let me sound like shit up there, C," and you just hoped the floor would suddenly open up and swallow you whole, taking you out of this hell and transporting you to another hell.

Maybe one that hurt a whole lot less.

*****

You headed to the VIP booth at Justin's first show. It was in Orlando, of course, and you wondered if the VIP booth was going to be big enough now that you weren't on the stage with Justin. You and Joey had hung out backstage with Justin before he had to go on, and you smiled at Justin, reassuring him that everything was going to be fine, he's done this a million times before.

And he looked at you and Joey and said, "Not without you guys." And underneath the happiness and the nervousness and the elation, you saw a tinge of sadness.

And fuck if you didn't want to kiss him.

*****

Justin kicked you guys out about a half hour before show time. You knew he would, Justin needed to just sit in total silence and relax and not talk to anyone before he went on. You followed Lonnie and Joey up to the booth where JC was already in the sound booth, throwing you a wave and a grin before nodding behind him.

"Lance!" You cried, grinning at the elusive band mate.

His face split into a wide grin and he got out of his seat, hugging you and Joey, not caring who was around to stare.

"What are you doing here?" you asked him, sitting next to him. "I thought you were still traveling with the 'rents."

He shrugged, "I didn't want to miss this. It's a big deal for him."

You nodded, "Yeah, it is." You glanced around the arena wistfully and waved at a few girls who yelled your name.

Joey was at the waist high barrier, signing autographs for some fans. JC joined him and Lance looked at you, "You want?" he asked, nodding towards them.

You didn't, but went anyway. You smiled and said you were doing fine and that you were totally happy for Justin. Thankfully, the security guards began herding the fans back to their seats and you once again took yours, slumping next to Lance.

"It's always the same, isn't it?" Lance asks you softly. You don't answer, just look at him and tilt your head, knowing he'll continue. "I mean, them," he waved to the fans, "they won't allow us to be anything but Lance and Chris from *nsync." His eyes wandered to the stage and he smiled at the giant screen where Justin's new logo was blazing brightly, a weird combination of the letters "J" and "T". If you looked close enough, you thought it kind of resembled Justin's way of combing the letters in his name for his signature.

Lance sighed and you turn your attention back to him. He's not done talking, and you wait.

"Even J," Lance said softly. He finally looks at you, "They won't allow him to change. No matter what he does up there," Lance motions to the stage without looking away from you. You, however, follow his hand and look at the stage where you see the band coming out. You listen to Lance as you watch Greg put his guitar over his shoulder and Billy sit behind the drums.

"He's always going to be Justin Timberlake, formerly of *nsync," Lance is saying to you. And you want to shut him up, because you know where he's going with this, you know what he's going to say and you just want him to _shut up_. "And even if people don't add the 'formerly of *nsync' to the end of his name, he's always going to be that image. He's always going to be in the spotlight, he's always going to be on stage," he touched your arm and you pulled your gaze back to his face, "he's always going to have the prettiest girl on his arm."

"Shut up, Lance," you say quietly, but with force.

His eyes soften a bit and he shakes his head, "Chris, you have to let it go." The house lights went down and the screaming began. Lance didn't look away from you, leaning closer so you can hear him. "He's the Golden Boy, Chris. He'll always be the Golden Boy with the Golden Girl and the Golden Life." He's moving his hand on your arm now and you look down at it. His voice carries to your ears and you want to block it out, but can't. "There's no place for anything silver, Chris," you snort at his bad analogy, but he presses on. "He loves you, but not in the way you want."

You look up and meet his eyes and he's blurry. You realize you have tears in your eyes. "Lance," you whisper.

Lance moves his hand to your shoulder, "You have to let this go, Chris." The screams became louder and you both look at the stage where Justin is rising up on a platform at the rear of the stage. Smoke is billowing behind him and you only see his outline.

"I don't want to," you say.

Lance is still looking at you. You glance at him and can't read his expression. You look away and he says softly, "I didn't want to, either, Chris. But don't you think it's time you did?"

You glance sharply at him but he's already looking at Justin. What did that mean? You stare at him and think about it for a second, but then Justin is singing and you turn to the stage, forgetting about Lance.

He's at home on stage, you think. He knows how to work the crowd, he knows what the people want, he knows how to give it to him. He grins at everyone and somehow, you think he's grinning just for you. The screams escalate and you realize every person in the place thinks Justin is smiling just for them.

The concert goes on and it hits you. You're never getting up on stage as a part of *nsync again. What you thought would always be home isn't anymore. Your home is now on this side of the stage. You're always going to be knocking on the door and never getting in.

This isn't how it was supposed to be. You don't belong on this side. You belong up there! With Justin. And Joey and JC and Lance. You belong on stage. You felt at _home_ there.

You never realized home would end up being where you don't belong.

*****

You go out after the concert. Justin is bright eyes and gleaming grins and you know that once again, you'll do as he asks. You hate yourself for it, but you don't care. You see Lance shaking his head at you and you want to yell at him, you want to hurt him, you want him to just stop. He doesn't know everything, he _doesn't_.

You want to have fun. You hate the looks Justin is shooting you, filled with worry, looking at you with such hope, that you place a fake grin on your face and sit in the booth and get perfectly plastered.

When you have enough in you, you go dance. You slide next to Justin and you dance. He grins at you and laughs loudly, shaking his head at Brit as you do some shake and shimmy that you're quite sure makes you look really cool.

He claps you on the back and says, "Hey, let's go outside."

You follow him out the door of the club and you're surprised when he leans against the wall, bending his knee to rest his foot flat on the wall behind him, and lights a cigarette.

You stare at him, "You smoke?"

He shrugs as he inhales, closing his eyes and resting his head on the bricks. "I guess. Yeah, once in a while."

"Dude," you say, "your voice." You can't believe him. This was the kid who would freak out when he smoked a little weed.

He shrugged and rolled his head to look at you, "It's no big deal. I don't do it a lot. Just to relax." He rolled his shoulders and sat on the ground, motioning for you to join him. You slide down the wall and rest your elbows on your knees and hang your head.

He's watching you, "Hey, Chris, you okay?"

"Yep," you reply. "I'm good."

He squints at you and takes a long drag on his cigarette. "I hope so, Chris. Because the past few months you seem a little," he searched for the word and you waited, "depressed."

You raise your eyebrows. "Depressed? No, Justin, I'm not depressed." You hear your words slurring and you wish they weren't, because you're pretty sure something important might happen here, and you want to remember it.

Justin nods, "Okay, good." He makes a motion like he's going to stand up and you grab his arm, holding him down.

"I love you," you blurt out. And that's wrong. You're not supposed to say it. It's been in the air between you for six years now, but as long as you actually didn't say it, it might not be true.

He takes a deep breath. He's not surprised, there was no gasp of surprise, a quick intake of breath. Just a heavy sigh. "I know," he says softly.

"Justin?" You ask him, hating the hope in your voice.

"Chris, I -" he takes another cigarette out of his pack, tapping it on the box before bringing it to his lips. "I'm sorry," he finally says. He stands up and looks down at you for a minute before repeating, "I'm sorry."

You don't watch him walk away.

*****

You don't know how much longer you sit there, but it's Lance who finds you. He's holding two bottles of beer and hands one to you. You take it from him and don't look at his face. You stare at his knees instead.

He squats down in front of you and stares until you meet his steady gaze. "What?" you growl at him.

He shakes his head, "nothing."

"Then go away," you say.

He doesn't listen. Not that you actually thought he would. Instead he sits down in the spot Justin vacated and pulls his knees to his chest. He rests his arms on them and dangles the bottle between his legs.

"I know you think I'm full of shit, Chris," he says and you snort in agreement. He laughs shortly, "But I might be the one person who knows as much as you do about this." He stares at the mouth of the bottle. "But unlike you, I gave up a long time ago. When I went to Russia, I was lonely. Christ, I almost wanted to come home, I missed you guys so much. But it's when I realized that I have to let go of the past."

"That's great, Lance, what's your point?" you say to him.

"Shut the hell up and let me talk, Chris. It's about time you listen to someone for a change." You roll your eyes at him but shut up. "I was trapped in the past. I didn't want to let go of *nsync. It's scary, you know? I mean, it's all we've known for so long. But after about a week in Russia I've realized that it's still with me. I can move on, but I won't ever leave."

"That's beautiful, Lance, really," you say sarcastically.

He glares at you, "You could stop being an asshole for five minutes, you know. You're not the only person who's ever been rejected."

You sigh and motion for him to continue.

"I've been waiting for years, Chris. Hoping that maybe one day…"

His voice trailed off and you turn your head to look at him. "You too?" you ask and he nods. You shake your head. "Man, Justin broke a million hearts, didn't he?"

Lance laughs softly and shakes his head. "No, Chris."

"No?"

He pulls his eyes away from the bottle and looks at you. "You've been mooning after Justin for so long, you can't see what's right in front of your eyes. If you weren't so thickheaded, you might have been really happy, you know. But all you could see was him. You had no room for anyone but Justin." You stare at him with your mouth open and he continues. "And he ruined you, Chris. You're so jaded and bitter and I don't know how to crack that shell." He meets your gaze, his eyes hard. "And I don't want to try anymore. I've given you too many years, Chris, and you didn't even know." He laughed bitterly, "At least Justin knew what you were giving to him. Even if he didn't want it."

"Lance," you say softly. "I had no idea."

"No shit," Lance said harshly. "What with being wrapped up in Justin and all."

"I'm sorry."

He stands up. "I know you are, Chris. I'm not mad or anything." He looks down at you, "I just wanted you to know that if you get over it, get over Justin, you'll be better off." He looked up when JC came out of the club. "Because giving you up was the best thing I ever did."

You look up, hurt.

He smiles, letting you know he didn't mean it like it sounded. "While I was still hung up on you, I never gave myself a chance." He smiled at JC and motioned him to wait at the door. JC did as asked and your eyes widened. Sadly, Lance shook his head at you. "You're only hurting yourself here, Chris."

He turned and jogged to JC, who looked into the shadows to see who Lance was talking to. You stood up and waved at JC, who lifted a hand in response. He looked at Lance and his mouth moved. Lance shook his head, lightly trailing his hand along JC's lower back as they headed back into the club.

JC looked over his shoulder, once, and you felt a little pang of jealousy.

*****

You can't stop thinking about what Lance said. You run it through your head over and over and you can't get it out. You never knew. You never saw any signs. You do now. You look back and realize the emotion that flickered in Lance's eyes the night you told him about Justin wasn't disapproval, but pain. You realize that in Russia, on the balcony, Lance was trying to tell you. You realize all the little moments you thought Lance was being especially nice to you was him trying to show you he loved you.

You realize you let all those years pass you by. If you could have just pulled your eyes away from Justin just once, you realize you might have been happy with someone else. And all you saw for six years were those very same years passing you by.

Lance was right. It was time to let go.

But now you wonder if it's too late. You wonder if you pushed too hard, if you closed yourself off just enough to not have anything left.

*****

You threw things into your suitcase, not really seeing what you were packing. You knew where you wanted to go. You knew where you belonged.

You cursed as you tried to shove your suitcases in you car. What were you thinking not getting a Jeep? Or an Explorer? Or a car that actually had trunk space?

Locking the house, you got behind the wheel of the car and drove. You drove fast, stopping only to fill up the gas tank, eating on the road. You drove all the way to Floribama, rehearsing what you were going to say to Lance when you saw him.

You wondered how much you would have to change your practiced speech if JC answered the door.

You figure no matter what happens you led a good life. Sure, it wasn't over, in fact, in a way, it was just starting.

You think that you've loved enough for more than one person. You think that just perhaps you lived wrong. You loved Justin totally and completely. You loved him more than you should have. Anyone would be lucky to have said that they loved so much in one life.

It was how you lived. It was how you shut out everyone but Justin. It was how for so long you never let anyone touch you in the deep places Justin had. You think if you lived a little more, opened your eyes just a little wider, you would have seen things.

You would have seen Lance.

You loved like you should and lived like you shouldn't. And you had to lose everything to find that out.

The road stretches out in front of you and you hope you can find forgiveness at the end of it. You hope that Lance forgives you for being such a blind asshole and give you a chance.

*****

You sit in his driveway a long while, staring at Lance's front door, trying to work up the courage to actually go and knock. The speech is being reworked and rewritten in your head and then you go back to what you originally had planned and then you change it again.

You decide to just wing it, planning was never your strong suit.

Taking a deep breath, you get out of the car. You walk slowly up the drive and along the sidewalk and put one foot in front of the other and take the three steps onto his porch.

Wiping your hands nervously on your jeans, you reach out and knock on Lance's front door.

He opens it while laughing and stops laughing when he sees you.

You hear JC behind him.


End file.
